I’m lost. There’s no other word for it. I’m getting through every day, but how? I don’t know. I want a break. A break from my mind, from the voice, from the despair, from my every thought that I have to fight against. Sometimes I don’t see why it’s worth it.
Everything I want for myself seems just out of my reach and I’m sick of chasing these things that will never eventuate.
I’m sick of going through such a hard time, and pretending to be okay. But what else is there to do? People need me to be strong right now, and as much as I like showing people I CAN be strong and I CAN be there for them… how long is it going to last? How long until I crumble?
The dissociations I’m almost thankful for, I don’t have to think. But at the same time- they’re dangerous things- I don’t know what I’m doing and things can get bad, quick.
The only thing to do right now, is distract and pretend I’m okay and help Mum out as best as I can. I wish I was sick instead of her. But it’s no use wishing that, the best thing to do is just be. Be with her, be quiet about my own troubles, be the strong one with a sense of humour.