I think it has been quite awhile since my last post. It may not seem long but I was hoping to blog everyday and I just, I just became too depressed to even turn on my laptop, or look at the wordpress app on my phone.
I DID do something really important last Sunday. It was the 25 year anniversary of the Sit Down Comedy Club and I went along (I was a little late because of one of Mums doctors appointments, so I missed one of my favourite comedians sets! Argh! I caught up with him at the afterparty though) and I enjoyed every minute and caught up with friends I’ve met through comedy but I had to leave the night early because we were picking up my aunt from Emerald at the airport. Anyway, overall it was a great night and hopefully they raised enough for the charities they were asking donations for (including suicide prevention which is close to my heart) and hopefully the night was a huge success. I know it made my heart happy, seeing everyone- friends, and comedians I’ve followed for years and seen numerous times, and also a few new to me. I need to make going to the SDCC a regular thing, just like seeing my doctor or going to yoga classes (which I’ve started up again!) because it truly reaches something deep.
My aunt I mentioned earlier was coming down because Mums chemo week started on Monday. She actually had two of her sisters here from Sunday through until today, Wednesday. And her sister from Bondi arrives for a night on Saturday I think. She’s got alot of support. I feel really guilty because I’ve been struggling alot harder this past week, and have spent alot of time in my room especially when we have visitors over but I’ve been trying to keep on top of the dissociations and depression and anxiety and crying, trying to keep my intake up, which is just supplemented by fortisip via NG. I hate to say it, but I feel like I’m falling apart and I don’t feel like I’m in my own body. I hate this body, I just want out. But I’ve been keeping it up, for Mum. Yet I’m crying as I write this. I DON’T WANT THIS. I WANT OUT. I JUST DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
BUT the only thing I can do is:
- stop crying and dry those tears
- take my meds
- find a distraction like a movie or a tv show on my iPad
- make a list of things I need to do (like who I need to message back, shopping I need to do)
- quit letting the voice get to me
(The voice is very prominent at the moment and I have to stop myself from listening to him and doing terrible things. That’s why I’m really scared that the dissociations are going to be not just me losing time but doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t feel safe.)
Mum wasn’t very well today, I hope tomorrow she’s feeling better. Please let this week be over quickly.