Front, back… leave?

Yesterday I got to yoga about 20 minutes early, and there was no-one there yet. The studio was open and I got to the door, and I just stopped. Was this a test? It felt like it. Was there a meaning to where I decided to lay my mat, when I could have any position in the room? Would other people think anything of where I chose when they arrived? I would, and my mind was spinning. Where should I choose to spend the class? …

I chose back row, furtherest from the door. That’s me, I think that sums me up perfectly. Out of the way, in no-ones line of sight (until the twists I suppose). I was comfortable there. I hate being anywhere near the front because I hate looking at myself, so I assume others must hate looking at me too. It was actually a really hard session, not because of any of the yoga- but my concentration. I’m actually going through a bit of a bad time at the moment, and the voice is so loud and constant that I have to constantly remind him throughout the hour I AM NOT HERE TO LISTEN TO YOU. I AM LISTENING TO ANAND. THIS IS MY HOUR AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. Yet, I still do things like tear up, but thankfully stop myself from crying, and struggle to find the inner silence we’re meant to, and sometimes I lean to the left, when we’re meant to lean to the right. Sure, that’s easy to correct, but it brings a bout of  YOU DID IT WRONG. YOU DO EVERYTHING WRONG. YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE. You know, the usual.

Aside from my struggles at the moment, yoga brings me the most peace I feel during the week, and makes me feel like I am trying to do something good for myself, and for my PTSD. My mum is a big advocate of me going as well, so it makes me feel good to go for her, even if I don’t feel like going for me.

“Body awareness is a necessary aspect of effective emotion regulation. Learning to notice, tolerate, and manage somatic experience may substantially promote emotion regulation. Yoga can serve as a widely available and relatively economical adjunct to the treatment of PTSD” (Bessel Van Der Kolk study on yoga and PTSD)

Yoga is not the only thing that’s being affected by my symptoms, I am living off coffee, I am not sleeping, I am breaking down more and more often- but try to convince people that I’m okay, and can pull myself together- because that’s just what I do now. My appointment with my doctor and case manager went a bit awry when I let down my guard. I tried to walk out of that room, I swear, 15 times. “please just stay for a little bit longer, close the door.” I knew things were coming closer and closer to the top, but I stayed in there. And I sort of broke down. And I sort of almost got admitted to hospital- but I agreed to start on a new medication, and because everyone is so anti hospital, I got to walk out of there. Broken, but standing tall. Well, not standing tall, but standing. I was not happy, but I was going home so it was okay. (Mum and Dad actually took me to a movie which was a great distraction and time to think over things and, yeah. It was lovely of them.) I’ve had two doses of the new antipsychotic and the first night was no different (it may have been worse) but last night, after I was finally able to get to sleep, every time I woke up I was able to turn some music back on and settle down again. So, maybe it will work for now.

I just so don’t want to be on anything else. I saw a naturopath last weekend and she has some ideas, but I’m doing an OAT (organic acid test) to really check things out, but she’s still put me on some extra supplements until we get those results and man, I’m just sick of taking so much. I’ve managed to really cut back on my traditional psych meds, but am taking the overmethylation supplements my bioanalyst guy has me on, which I believe help so much, but still, it’s a lot to take and I’m not in a good headspace after I take them, so I really have to feel there’s a good reason to go through that. And with these new ones, all I have is hope that they’re going to help, and that’s borderline not enough.

Saturday is going to be a big day for me. I haven’t been out with friends for a couple of months now, and there is a get together in the afternoon for my friend, who, as a doctor, is doing some time up in Townsville. So farewell drinks (of soda water- NY resolution, don’t mess too much with drugs and drinks) it is, and as much as I’m not looking forward to leaving the house, I’m looking forward to spending a few hours with friends that mean the world to me. There’s always a reason to shake off your reservations and put aside your unease, and put your adult shoes on.

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2 thoughts on “Front, back… leave?

  1. Amy

    You write so well Dom, you have a real gift with words. Especially like your last sentence “There’s always a reason to shake off your reservations and put aside your unease, and put your adult shoes on.“ so true.
    Glad ur still standing (even if not tall, not all of us get to be tall 😉 xx

    Liked by 1 person

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