something else.

As I sit here (watching Jane the Virgin and scrolling listlessly through my tumblr dash) I’m trying to think what else I can do to bring me out of this lapse. What else? I’ve already done so much, but there must be something else that I can do, right? There’s always something else. There’s got to be something else. Maybe I should visit what I’ve already done and go from there.

  • 1: Accepted the fact I needed to start on more antipsychotics again. At the time I only said yes because I didn’t want to be admitted to hospital again, but when I think about it (and they haven’t started working yet) it was a good decision. Because they might help me and at the moment I need all the help I can get. I can’t stand the voice controlling me at the moment, hence all of my something else talk.
  • 2: Accepted the fact I needed to have some help with my intake. Things, despite what I was trying to convince everyone was not happening, were getting bad again. I was surviving on black coffee. It started off that I could have almond milk in my coffee once a day, but that rule quickly changed. I was starting to feel the physical effects, but ignoring them. I needed to be told that what I was doing was going to land me in hospital, and that I need to be at home with mum at the moment. Again, I only said yes to tube feeds again (after a million no’s) initially because the threat of hospital was there. But after a few days of nutrition, I’m starting to feel a little different about it. My empty feeling that I crave so much isn’t there as much and that’s a major trigger to pull the tube out and stand my ground, but I have to ignore the voice and admit that, just right now, I need help. And needing help is okay.
  • 3: Booked in my exercise and meditation for next week. So, last week I was too medically unstable to do anything. My yoga was out, my walking was out, and I couldn’t even think clearly enough to practice any meditation. But since (thanks to number 2 on this list) I’m a bit more nourished physically, we’re looking at starting all that again next week, should things go okay till then. I’m going to yoga class twice and practicing when I can at home, walking at the lake twice, and fitting in as much meditation as I care to. And looking forward to getting back to it all.
  • 4: Made plans to go out to things. This is my strategy to make sure I always have things to look forward to, to plan, to work towards. I’ve told you about the plans I’ve made for the comedy season coming to Brisbane. Well, I’ve, um, expanded on that. And added a couple more nights at the Sit Down. One night of the RAW 2018 Heats (heat #5 for those of you playing at home) and the first night of Young Guns. This time, I’m planning on going alone (but will see friends there at least one night) which is good by me, it’s actually nice to do things by yourself, I think. I haven’t done it for awhile. Some people would think that it’s lonely, but it’s not. It’s me time and I don’t care if people look at me sitting by myself. You have no idea what’s going on in other people’s lives. And I’ve booked my two nights in an apartment in the city for when I’m going to BrisComFest. I found out the last time I did this was in 2015, so it’s about time I got things together and make it another wonderful time spending time with friends and wandering and just having some me time. Yay. This strategy of doing things is extremely good when you’re feeling suicidal, which is happening alot for me at the moment. No, you can’t, you have THIS to go to and THEM to meet up with and THAT to take care of. Etc.
  • 5: Treated myself. I’ve had two little shopping days recently. And I’ve ordered things online. Some things, I needed. Other things, I wanted. But both of those things were necessary! I have bought a few new dresses, because I am trying to make myself feel better about myself, and I think that’s a good thing to try. And some new makeup, and oh my gosh, some beautiful jewellery. But it was needed. I swear!
  • 6: Gotten back to checking social media more. This sounds stupid, but it makes me feel like I’m a part of the world, when I feel like I’m not. And with instagram, I think it’s a really healthy habit to take a photo every day, or as often as you can manage it. I really like to look back on what I’ve done last week, last month, last year. Hell, even 2009. Throwbacks to good times or even quiet times are fun.
  • 7: Started my diary again. This is small, but an important thing for me. I simply write down what I’ve done that day. What I’ve done, what I’ve accomplished, what I spent my time on. I don’t know why, but this is really helpful.

So, that is basically what I’ve done so far. I don’t think there’s much more I can add, but maybe I should just make sure I stick to what I’ve worked so hard to set up.

Mum had a CT scan this week and after the weekend we go to the oncologist for a review whether she stops chemo, continues with it, basically just what her plan is from now on. I’m kind of freaking out about the appointment. There’s going to be big decisions made. But I just need to implement another rule of mine: distract distract distract. There’s no good to be had for me to be ruminating about something that I have absolutely no control over. So tomorrow night, I’m going to see my best friend Mike and we’re going to go to his favourite trivia night and I’m just going to try to, well, distract.

Well, I’m actually going for a walk now. Last time I said that, it didn’t work out. But today, it’s happening. I’ve been in my activewear since 10am this morning! It’s happening.

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