Things aren’t going too well. I’m still struggling so much. I don’t know what to do. As I established last post, there’s not much i can do except try my hardest to continue with the plans we’d put into place already. I’ve been really, really big on distraction the last couple of days. There are a few things I am doing to keep my mind busy.
Before I start with that, I have to admit something. Despite all the things I had in place to help me, I relapsed with self harm last Sunday. I was all set to commit suicide but when the blood started flowing I woke up out of the little “bubble” I was in and realized that I didn’t really want Mum and Dad to find me in such a state in the morning. I’m very disappointed that it happened, and now it’s happened again after such a long time clean, the urges to do it again are high, so I have to fight them, but I can and I will no matter what it takes. That said, I came across a quote that really speaks to me at the moment. It’s just like, yeah. I get you Henry.
“Years ago I cared. Now I don’t. I know I am lost but I don’t want to be found.” Henry Rollins
Anyway, the next day, it was the day of Mums oncologist appointment. The one I was really, really worried about. Dad (who wasn’t well himself but came anyway) and I were there with her. Things weren’t too bad, she is having a little break from the strong chemo drugs at the moment and only having one, with the intention of just a break, she will most likely be going back on them in the future. But I’m glad she’s getting a break at the moment, because they’re horrible and knock her around so much and it breaks my heart.
I have had a couple of C-PTSD book recommendations from someone who’s been through alot (and he knew about The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk which a doctor recommended to me last year! It subsequently changed my way of thinking about certain things and also started my yoga practice again) so today I ordered them. (And another I’ve been recommended.) So I’ve got three books on C-PTSD and trauma coming. You can never learn too much, especially about your own mental health.
So, regarding my eating disorder it’s not getting any easier. I try sometimes, to have something and be “normal”, but the guilt afterwards is horrendous and I’m thinking suicidal thoughts and just wanting to disappear, to run and keep running. So we have the dietician from Mater at Home I was seeing last year coming early next week. I look forward to her input because she knows me well, and knows her stuff. The way we’re doing my feeds at the moment isn’t ideal but it’s keeping me stable enough not to be taken away from home and the family and that’s all that matters.
My CM who I see close to home weekly has taken a new job at the PA. I panicked the first time she let us know, but she’s gone on to tell us that there was one condition and it was a dealbreaker with whether she took the job or not- she wanted to keep seeing me. So she’s going through that transition at the moment and I’m going to have to meet another contact at the clinic in case I can’t see my CM, which is scary. But my CM is coming to our house next week- so far she’s only been as far as the front door to hand me a script one afternoon, so it’s going to be a big step. I’ve always been against people coming into our home, I usually much prefer to go see them. But the Mater at Home dietician comes to the house, so I’ve had a little experience with it.
Sunday I’m going out to the Sit Down, for RAW Heat 5. I’m so looking forward to it, especially because I am going to get to see one of my friends, the loveliest person. I haven’t seen her since NY Eve so it’s going to be great. Last Sunday I caught up with friends at one of their apartments, then some of us went to Sheepoll trivia, and I really enjoyed it again. So I’m a little sad I’m missing out on that this weekend, and the thing is I think I’m going up to Oakey to see my grandparents the Sunday after that, so I’ll miss it again! Oh well.
A really good distraction I’ve found is a couple of apps on my computer. One is a cooking game. I think it was made for kids, but it keeps me busy, so I don’t care. Another is an adult colouring app- I put on some music and get a little bit creative for a little while. This was today’s. It’s really calming to do.
I’ve stuffed up going to yoga AGAIN this week, because of my wrist. I’m still getting alot of shooting, lightening like pains up my arm and in my hand if I use it, so yoga would be no good. Next week I get the sutures out, we’ll see how I’m going then! Gosh, it will have been two weeks off. I’m missing it.
It’s Calvin’s 5th birthday today! We’re having a little celebration tonight when my brother and his girlfriend are home from work. I’ve been trying to get good photos of him lately, but like last night, they usually end up as something like this, where he’s distracted by his Star Wars toy (I mean, with an owner like my brother, what other kind of toys would he be getting?!) He’s still extra cute in it 🙂