Today was really hard. The next few weeks are going to be really, really hard. But I got through today, when I thought I wouldn’t, and that gives me the strength to get through tomorrow.

The truth is, I’ve deteriorated quite a bit recently and my treatment team put in an application for another course of ECT. The Review Tribunal to decide what was happening was last Friday, they ended up approving it. I don’t really want want to be put through it all again. At the same time I can appreciate that I’m kind of at rock bottom right now, and that isn’t nice for anyone. There’s a chance ECT will bring me out of this place again, but in all honesty I’ve sort of reached the point where I don’t even want to try. Everyone is supporting us to do the twelve treatments as an outpatient, so I can stay at home with my family and not have another admission. Anyway, I’m not going to make this a long post because I’m in a darker place than usual and I don’t want this to get too dark. I want this blog to be an open account about my struggles and what is happening, but I don’t need to get into what’s really going on in my head right now. I’m using my journal again which is really helpful and I’m using it a lot at the moment but I don’t want those thoughts to make it on here. So I’m really saying, I’m just letting you know that I’ll be distracted for a little while… but will hopefully come out the other side. This morning was my first treatment and I’m not feeling very well, but to be honest everyone tried to make it as smooth and easy as possible and I’ve got to find some comfort in that. I’m so thankful for my Mum and Dad being there for me today and always.

(A huge apology about all the things I’d committed myself to that I’ve had to cancel, and all the things in the future I’m going to have to. Doing so makes me feel so bad, but at the moment it’s really for the best. I need to rest and get through the next little while.)

WAIT A MINUTE. HERE’S SOME TOTALLY DIFFERENT, LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT, NEWS:

• I bought some new pajamas to treat myself to if I got through today, and I did, so I’m currently snuggled up in them. I’ve realized recently that it’s the little things that are often the big things! (They have dogs on them- and if you know me you probably know if there’s two things I love it’s pajamas and dogs so bringing the two together is something to be appreciated.)
• My brother and his girlfriend gave us tickets to see Disney’s Aladdin at QPAC for Christmas. And that was finally on Sunday: I am having trouble concentrating, so it was hard, but it was such a nice afternoon out with the family! And the production- just, wow. If you possibly have the chance to go, do.
• I’ve really been struggling with the eating side of things at the moment but I challenged myself to a little açaí cup from Kiss The Berry! It was amazing. Like, really really good. Feast your eyes on the beauty of it:

(By the way, if you do have any questions or want to learn more about ECT, as I did when I first had it, I think there is some good information here.)