Let go of the past, look towards the future.

I started yoga again today, when I really needed it (and because my instructor texted me JUST the right thing at JUST the right time. It was uncanny.) and my instructor says this (the title of this entry) as part of his end blurb and every time, I think, I MUST REMEMBER THIS but I never seem to be actually able to do it. Especially now, when my future looks just as bleak as my past. I don’t want anything to do with either. But, it was so good to be back on the mat, and Anand liked my new shirt that I wore haha

Earlier today something happened which I am in two minds about. I was discharged from hospital after nearly four weeks being inpatient and I am only worse now I think, definitely not any better. But they couldn’t deal with me anymore- not making progress fast enough looks bad on their end- and I am still struggling immensely with intrusive thoughts and managing to have adequate ng feeds. And of the private programs we looked into and referrals were sent to, I’m either a) too high risk or b) they can’t deal with my eating disorder or c) they just have a really long waiting list and can’t tell us even a general idea of when they can look at things properly. The whole mental health system needs a makeover- it’s failed me so many times, and I’m only one person. There’s no time for anyone who is really sick and right now, I’m petrified of what is going to happen. Tonight I really dosed up to try and make my night better and tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor and case manager so (as much as I feel like cancelling it) we’ll see what happens then. I’m having periods of horrific thoughts and I just don’t know how much longer I can take it. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve lost all hope of getting help. As much as I have a wonderfully supportive group of friends, sometimes I can’t help but feel like Love-A-Lot Bear below.

We’re looking at Day Programs, speaking of hope (if only a thimblefull), for the first time, which makes me feel particularly nervous and undeserving but alas, I need to get over myself and give this a go, as I cannot carry on like this for much longer. We have chosen one, and they seem a little bit interested so we’ll see what they say. THIS IS ALL WHIMSY TALK, we’re not sure I have a place yet, we’re going through the rigmarole of acceptance at the moment. It’s hard work.

My mum and Dad have been absolutely amazing during this admission and helped me get through it like I could not have done had it not been for them! They are both pillars of mighty strength. Also your support for my Mum, who I know is battling more and more pain hard, but putting on a brave face for everyone, is so lovely. I absolutely hate watching her deteriorate, and I hate cancer with a vehemence.

While I was away our new garden and deck were finished and my oh my is it spectacular. I’m yet to try to take some brilliant photos, but I have a couple I took this afternoon. Photos don’t do it justice though, truly.

I’m going to have to end here. I need to thank everyone (if you read this) for your constant support and reaching out to me when you know I’m in a dark place. I really appreciate it- really, it makes a difference in the way I think sometimes, which is a welcome break.

One more vent >>> I just cannot believe how I’m meant to function with this much distress 24/7 (which is worse at night). I fear so many scenarios which could easily take place. As much as I LOVE to be at home, I’m scared, I’m just not up to life at the moment.

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