My life: A New Hope

Patient #1: I’M PERFECTLY STABLE YOU KNOW!

Nurse: I know you’re perfect, but I don’t know about stable…

I overheard this exchange yesterday (you couldn’t not hear it as patient #1 is at the nurses station yelling 24/7 almost) and it made me laugh. It’s taking a lot to make me laugh right now. But this last night was pretty funny too: patient #2 was walking past me and introduced herself, and I introduced myself and she went to walk away but stopped, and came back. “You have something on your face.” she told me. “Oh okay, thanks” I replied trying not to laugh out loud. The ‘thing on my face’ was an NG tube, as I’m currently on NG feeds. You might have had to be there, but trust me, it was funny.

Well, one week ago today I was admitted again. Since I was discharged last time (about one week before that and not in a very good space) things were just deteriorating fast and it was wearing everyone out trying to keep on top of me being so unstable, with increasing dissociative episodes and eventually not being able to manage nutritionally, as well.

It’s been a hard week, and I’ve been see-sawing between thoughts of (the more prominent) needing to get out of here and find some peace, because that is truly all I am after, an end to my tumultuous thoughts and an end to this struggle of… life. But I have to admit that sometimes if I’m in a more logical and rational headspace, I’ll concede to the fact that at least I am safe for the moment while we try to find help from somewhere, my family aren’t on alert all day and night, and maybe when we do find that help things will get better. And (although I haven’t been this unwell in a long time) even though life seems just hopeless most of the time, things have gotten better before.

And I have so so much to get better for. My parents have visited me every day, sometimes twice a day, and I cannot describe how much I love and appreciate them and I don’t want to hurt them anymore. And I can’t remember if I’ve written about it before, but my brother and his girlfriend went to Japan in April and came home engaged! Amy is already like a sister to me so it will be good to have it made official!

Last weekend I missed out on plans I’d made with friends, and also plans to make it to the SDCC to see some awesome comedy- and live comedy is like therapy to me- so I’m still trying to get over missing that. Another devastating thing to miss is happening tonight, my aunt Kerrie is having a photo exhibition in Bondi and in a perfect world I can see our family being well enough to take time out and go down, but it’s not to be. Hopefully there’s a next time.

Another thing that was becoming quite a big thing in my life was my yoga classes. Twice a week I was turning off the outside world and trying to quieten my mind and concentrate on the sound of my instructors voice. It was very hard at first but it was becoming a necessary practice for me.

But the title of this entry (apart from me giving you the hint that I’m a Star Wars fan) is meant to inspire in me and help me remember that there is always hope no matter how distressing and traumatic and pointless even, life seems.

Just to get through the days at the moment I have to try many things to help me distract & not get too upset. I have my iPod on constantly, listening to everything from Kendrick to Taylor. I’m doing a heap of word searches (which sometimes sadly remind me what I’m missing out on, as you can see below.

I’m reading as much as I can with my concentration playing up, slowly making my way through Pride & Prejudice. For the last few days I’ve decided I’m not going to lie in bed for hours on end, so when I make it every morning that’s it until bedtime. (Although to be honest, I’ve realized I’ve really only just moved to a chair in my room!) Today, I decided to open the curtains and let the sunlight in. I have a nice view of the courtyard… and the two fences.

Well this has taken a lot of energy to write and it’s been done with much noise going on. I have access to my phone when my parents visit- usually mum and I spend every moment playing each other on words with friends, but today I decided to challenge myself and do this too 🙂

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