Goals; don’t let go.

DO NOT give up on life throwing you around. Ignore the bad thoughts you have to spend an insane amount of time on… grab on to what you need. You have to fight, to say no. Also comparison, it only sets fuel to the fire of self hate which gets you nowhere. Love each memory: each smile, each laugh, each sparkle. Don’t forget to grab some this time for you, because you will need  relaxation and reflection time, just for you.

These morals are something which don’t look hard, right? Well sometimes, but honestly  more people now, prefer to put on a mask, and don’t show the real, flawed, up and down life. Who wants to log onto social media sites and be inundated with a “show” of perfection while in reality, most people are difficult and most are up and down on this merry-go-round  called life and they may be going through something completely different to their “insta-ready” amazing, “I’m really, really living the life.” Reality, my friends, is totally different, for most of the population.

Recently, well it’s not that recent, it was the beginning of the month, 5 Aug, 18. I am still living through the pain and of talking about losing the woman I loved more than anything, She was beautiful, funny, gorgeous, stubborn but most of all, someone who was always helping others and thinking about anybody before herself. And as you know about my ongoing struggles with mental illness, well this has totally thrown me. I don’t know whether to be; something I’m used to like putting on a mask and hiding forever, just wishing to be invisible and not to be here. I could really lose it and stop taking my meds, and feeds and spend all my time in bed, or (what I’m trying my best to do) get up every (okay, most) mornings, Make my bed, and find something to invest my time, (and distract myself with).

I had my Mental Health Review Tribunal last week. I lost, I’m still on a treatment order. I was kind of confident in my statement- I was honest with how I was struggling, but gave a few examples of how we can manage it all with help. Didn’t change their minds.

Here’s my reality at the moment, I just got out of hospital this morning, Yes it was pretty horrible so I’m glad I only remember some things. I mean, I have been known to self harm and despise myself alot, but things get out of hands sometimes and I do things during times… that I am not really living, I find out later, mostly by accounts of others. I do my best to hurt myself. Like last night. During these times, and me getting mini flashbacks and going through my bag after an episode, something simple like that, gives me clues about where I’ve been and what I’ve done. And most of the time, I ask for help. It depends who is around, what we’re during at the time, how I’m flawed and how much time I’ve lost. (Last night was more serious ones of the last few months and I am so glad it’s over. Me? Honestly? I wish I’d just close my eyes, all comfortable in my PJs and sitting with Dad. But apparently alot happened, some of it scary and some things we can laugh about today, and well,  laughter heals all wounds, at least for me.

It scares me, how do I manage keeping myself, my family safe. But I want to stay at home, so I’m during everything in my power to keep me here. I thought, when I’m not crying, (or sometimes just sitting there numb, unable to process everything.) It’s not just my Dad, but also my brother and his wife, have been extremely important to me- the latest was getting me into Lego again. It’s a wonderful distraction.

Dad has been taking me on drives- to our fave cafe, DBAR. I have alot of friends and family that have really kept me going (trip up Tamborine and the Glow Worms cave with my cousin and her littlest? Sure. meeting my friends (Mum used to always say I used to steal her friends from her, haha.) with Theo cuddles, a friend even went to the trouble of helping me string up solar fairy lights on our fence, and that is there to remind me of mum being with me. One friend, who was coming to yoga with me, is there for me when I’m ready to go back, which is lovely to know because, yes, I miss my yoga and I’m hoping to go back next week.

Crying has really been something my psychiatrist suggested, but that is mainly happening in alone time. The shower, in bed in the middle of the night etc The rest of the time is spent wearing that mask I mentioned earlier. Talking about that mask, I’ve read that friend time is an important part of grieving. On the one week anniversary, my friends were wanting to see me and I thought “Sheepoll is a good, carefree time to spend with my friends” but nooooo. It was a little too soon, I think. I shouldn[t be smiling, and laughing and enjoying the couple of hours out. The next morning I wake up from what little sleep I have, feeling absolutely evil for spending time with my friends, instead of staying at home, not thinking about how much I miss mum every waking moment. So the next week I gave a miss, because I thought I might need a bit more time to process. But, on the third week anniversary, I decided it was time to try it out again. Not good. I hung in there and I love my friends, but the guilt, and it was so much-  so, so, so much more intense. I get suicidal when I spend time doing the “wrong” things like eating, like seeing my friends, or even if I take some time to myself is a no go.

So what is on the cards in the future? I feel it’s going to be a hard road, and I feel I wouldn’t even attempt it without my family and friends. But I know mum is with me. And I’m going to try so hard, and I have things to look up to in the future. Like my daily 3 coffees. How did I live without it? Yesss please!

Last, a from the heart message.

TREASURE EACH MOMENT YOU HAVE. 

Oh! I decided I wanted a little pink in my hair- so guess what?

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