I don’t know exactly what to say at the moment because everything seems to be getting worse as time passes and I don’t want a terribly negative post but I have been asked for an update! So read on if you want to, but if you don’t I understand.

Today is Saturday the 20th of October and I was meant to be going to a hens party for my sister in law which was organized quite awhile ago by her friends, but I won’t start there, I’ll go back to the Thursday before last, the 11th of October.

I had an appointment with my community psychiatrist and case manager, and look, I knew I was struggling (my Dad and I let my case manager know on the Monday) and I wanted to cancel the appointment but my Dad, who had been sick himself, took me and I wasn’t ready for what happened, I thought just showing up to it would prove that I was okay, right? The nurse was bought in and my obs were taken and were not okay (postural hypotension, tachycardia) , my doctor thought my ketones might be out, I was dehydrated and like I said I KNEW I was doing it hard because I was finding it hard to keep up much oral intake or my feeds (coffee, sugarfree energy drinks and a juice if I was strong enough was about it) but not ready to get the news I was to present to hospital for refeeding again. I’m on a treatment authority so my wishes don’t matter.

(Photo taken after my community appointment when I was desperately looking for something uplifting after such an ugly appointment)

Anyway once in emergency I was given a bed and dad let them know I was a high risk of leaving if left by myself and they were rather rude and said basically that there were other people in the world and they’d “try to keep an eye on me” and Dad stayed as long as he could but eventually he had to leave. The next day I still hadn’t had anything happen and at about 2pm and I was starting to get really anxious and I grabbed my phone, my pillow, and George my teddy bear and found my way out. I left hospital grounds fast as I know security can’t follow me off campus. I stopped dead in my tracks and thought for a moment. The voice was pushing me towards the train station. MY voice, which won out, wanted to see Dad, ASAP, so I made it to and sat in subway because it was raining, just a girl, her teddy and her pillow distressed and on the phone to her dad, who was coming to get her.

He was, as my cm pointed out to him rather severely later, meant to take me straight back to the hospital because of the treatment authority. I begged and he took me home and I had a shower, put a tube down and started a feed, hoping this act would convince my cm that I didn’t have to go back. But no, go back to hospital myself or it was the police/ambulance and I had no say. Dad was sick and unfit to take me back, so when my brother and sister in law came home, I went back. I presented again and was taken to a medical ward that night.

This week, it’s been full of ups and downs. NG feeds 24hrs a day, bedrest, no privacy, Dad getting admitted to another ward for a few days, anxiety anxiety anxiety! I’ve had a few breakdowns but am trying so hard. And my family have been in every evening, and a friend visited Monday and bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers.

So, all week I’ve been working with a lady on the mental health team (let’s call her “Sarah”) who understands eating disorders well. TOO well, sometimes, if you know what I mean, but all week we’ve been working towards the hens party for my sister in law I mentioned at the beginning of this post. But, it comes to yesterday, about three o’clock and I am told I do not have ANY leave for it today and I’m to miss out on it. This was organized so long ago and it’s just tragic that I am missing it right now, as I type this post. I get upset again and disconnect my feed and want to go for a walk but I have a really ignorant nurse specialling me. I make my way down to the nurses station to try and find someone more understanding, and I am taken back to bed but told even though I can’t go for a walk, I can go for a “wheel” in a wheelchair. I decided to take what I can get. But before a wheelchair could be found, Sarah* was back to say that the team had spoken and both medical and mental health weren’t happy to give me leave off the ward, and oh, by the way, you are on wheelchair mobility to the bathroom etc. Which is literally three steps away from my bed. Seriously ridiculous. But I apparently need to conserve every bit of energy I can, if I’m to get medically stable and okay for the wedding next weekend. Which I cannot miss! So last night one really nice nurse did up a goal chart on PowerPoint with me to put on my wall. And yes, I left the fact that I apparently have dentures in the photo deliberately because, let’s face it, it’s a little funny.

So please, if you’ve read this far, cross your fingers for me, send me luck and good vibes, pray I make it through this week and get to the wedding of the year!