I know it’s been awhile but I haven’t been well. I made it to the wedding (!) and it was so absolutely lovely to be around close family and friends and I just feel so honoured to have been there and to witness the love of two of my absolutely favourite people in my life.

Not long after that though, I was medically compromised again (the years of abusing my body without consequences is over, I think. I’m not underweight at all anymore but my body is still doing it very hard) and I had to spend 2 weeks in medical but was then transferred to the mental health ward where I have been struggling for a few weeks. This admission has been absolutely detrimental and I’m just getting worse, I’m just struggling so so much. I haven’t had leave for a few weeks but on Friday Dad got upset and convinced them to give me leave (I actually bought all my stuff home and don’t plan on going back to days spent not coping- with security at all feed times and just the general toxic environment- shhh), so the last couple of days have been bliss with my own shower and bed and to spend time with my family and number one doggo. I’m struggling immensely but I’ve at least tried to keep my fluids up. I know I should be eating or having feeds but my eating disorder is just too damn strong at the moment, it’s too hard. I hope things settle soon but things are just abysmal right now. I’m meant to go back to the hospital to get reviewed tomorrow but I’ll get in contact with my case manager and see whether I can get out of that.

(This is Calvin being super impressed about me being home on leave haha)

Christmas this year is going to be hard- first Christmas without mum and I’m already feeling like I’m in a tight corset all day every day, feeling like I can’t exist without her. I’m struggling to do simple things without getting worn out, like I have an email I’ve been meaning to write to a friend for ages- but even that is too hard right now, and I haven’t written any Christmas cards this year- I just can’t, even Christmas shopping is frightening. But I have such great family and friends and I’m so thankful for them being in my life and supporting me.

So I don’t know how to get out of this hole I’m in at the moment and honestly most of the time I’m thinking about how much I don’t want to even be here anymore. It’s hard to have these thoughts so often yet you’re trying to keep it together for your family who have been through so much already. I haven’t acted on these thoughts yet. But it’s hard to be where I’m at right now. I hope I can get through them.

When I was in medical I lost my bear, that my mum and dad bought me when I was twelve and who had been with me throughout every hospital admission. (We think we put it in the linen skip, and all the hospital washing goes to the PA so I’m pretty sure he won’t make it back to me.) Dad bought me a replacement (actually a couple of replacements) which I am thankful for but it just won’t be the same without George.

Getting reviewed tomorrow- please keep your fingers crossed I can stay at home for Christmas with my family. I really need it right now.

Well, I’m about to go watch a movie with my Dad which we haven’t done in so long, so I’m really really excited about being able to do that. We’re both not well at the moment but he’s been absolutely amazing, coming to visit me nearly every day for the past 5 weeks- even though I know it’s a struggle for him. I’ve also had a couple of visits recently from some good friends which was so lovely. I really appreciate the people in my life- I’m really blessed, and I know it.