FIRST THINGS FIRST: I’M AT HOME!
I was last discharged from hospital on the 9th of January (best birthday gift ever) which means soon enough I will have been home for a month! This is after basically spending the last half of 2018 in and out of hospital- from medical to psych and back to medical and then psych again- it was a horrible cycle of existence and I’m so sorry I put my family through my problems, too.
Yeah, at the moment I am struggling immensely- mainly with intake (initially I thought I’d be able to “just eat” like a “normal” person would if I tried hard enough but that is easier said than done.) BUT I have been keeping my fluids up with coffee (depending on how troubled I am it’s either an iced americano or sometimes I have my iced latte on almond milk) (or as I did today at Robina, go all out and have an iced tea from T2- below) and diet soft drinks/energy drinks (I know it’s not a great habit but any fluid in at this moment of time is good.) every now and then I test the water and do something like buying some vegetarian rice paper rolls or cucumber sushi, for example, and sometimes it’s a win but most of the time I can’t manage more than a bite. It is what it is, and I will keep trying. I’m just so miserable and hopeless at the moment, I spend alot of time sad and crying at night, thinking about my situation right now. I feel stuck. Or a puzzle someone has started and not bothered to fit all the pieces in? I don’t know.
In an effort to keep out of hospital I’m still trying to keep up with my NG feed regime which I’m finding extremely difficult and usually only get 50mls of the litre my dietician wants me to have. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But I’m averaging 50mls. It’s so hard without mum to help me through this, she would tell me that I needed to have the feeds and that I needed to keep doing the right thing. Right now, I’m confused about what the right thing actually is.
Speaking of Mum, last week my family had the honour of being invited to witness the first Janelle Pettit Memorial Award to the most outstanding graduate that has shown qualities that Mum, who was so passionate about her work, would be so happy to see.
Since I’ve come home I’ve done quite a lot! I have taken in some therapeutic nights at the Sit Down Comedy Club (I even took Dad for his birthday last weekend, it’d been years since he’d been. The above photo is our pre comedy coffee!) I’ve also been catching up with friends, making new friends, going on long drives with Dad when I’m distressed and he’s well enough. Things that make my heart happy. I mean, I’m constantly fighting difficult thoughts and feelings and the voice gets so upset- sometimes I’m so scared of something bad happening (mostly at night) and a big part of that is wanting to, to, to… not exist. Just disappear. I’ve reached the end of my rope and am having trouble tying the knot in the end.
I always try to have something to look forward to and I saw a new optometrist Wednesday and I have new glasses and sunglasses coming, which is exciting. It is! Trust me on this.
Everyone, one person in particular, keeps telling me that things will get better and that I’m doing well and that they think I’m okay because “you’re still here”. That’s got to be one of the worst things belittling my struggles and state of mind I’ve heard in awhile. I’m used to people having no idea re eating disorders and thinking that just because you’re a healthy weight you can’t be unwell. But anyway, this came from a person I was just starting to trust again, but it shows they have no idea. I’m not dead yet so things are going great, right? It makes me even more suicidal, that comment.
Today I had a manicure and pedicure and I love them! Having nice nails is just one of those things that makes you feel a little bit special. Next on my list of things to do is write some letters and cards! I’m so behind. I’ve been meaning to write an email to one friend for months now, and I’ve got cards to reply to from last year. I’ve appreciated them all, but it’s just been hard to sit down and DO anything. This year I sent one Christmas card. And I usually love writing them. Let’s aim for next Christmas 🙂