If you don’t feel normal, fake it. My mum said words to this effect years ago and they’ve really helped me through some tough times and situations. I wish she were here now to see me trying my best in all areas of my life, because I am. I’m really really trying to hold things together and step out of my comfort zone in order to reach for my goals, even if I have to fake it most of the time!
Speaking of goals, add values and that’s what I’ve been learning about in weekly ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) groups my case manager got me into. It was meant to be my second last one today, but I’ve had to miss it because my Dad isn’t well. I was aiming for 100% attendance, even though I struggle to motivate myself to get to the groups, and until today I was doing okay. But, sometimes things are just out of your control and you have to accept that. The groups have been good, they’re a refresher course for me because i’ve worked with Russ Harris’ ACT work before. I expected to find it easy, and maybe even boring to go over techniques again but that has certainly not been the case! I’ve struggled with seperating goals from values, and looking at what is really important to me, and of course I struggled with a room full of people I didn’t know!
In an attempt to help me, last Wednesday Dad and I had a 3 hour appointment with a new doctor, and one I’ve worked with before. We thought we were just seeing the new one. Well, the doctor I’ve worked with before was actually very involved with the appointment as well as the new one. Anyway, I ended up starting ketamine therapy again. I think it was about 2013 when I’d last worked with this doctor. It will be interesting to see what comes of it. We came out of the appointment with a bit of hopefulness? I’m just feeling so helpless and hopeless at the moment it was a strange feeling for me! We see them again tomorrow, and as I understand it they’ll be upping the dose. I don’t feel anything on the starter dose I’ve been on this week.
Being on a new treatment plan is not just scary but I’m finding it hard to make plans with people because I don’t know how I’m going to be feeling. I’ve got a friends housewarming next weekend and I just don’t know how I’m going to be doing so I can’t commit 100% which I want to do. I want to see my friends. I want to get out of the house. I want to have a little bit of indpendance, I want to go. We’ll just see how it goes I suppose.
I’m still struggling with my intake but I’m trying to do all the right things. I know that at the moment that’s not enough and I’m just going to be headed back to hospital if I don’t try harder, but it’s so difficult. Especially when I gained back the weight I lost on continuous feeds in hospital: I come home, start restriction straight away, which puts my body into survival mode and hence it hangs on to every bit of nutrition it gets. So really, I should be sticking to my feeds to start my metabolism working properly again, I just can’t seem to get out of this cycle though. Ugh.
I’ve had a few memories made over the last few weeks that I am thankful for.
- I became a godmother to my friends little boy! Who was named Dominic! He’s just the cutest and I can’t wait to get down to Sydney to meet him.
- All the driving I’ve been doing with Dad. It’s so calming.
- Meeting friends at the cinema for the ’10 Things I hate About You’ anniversary
Hopefully more will be made over the next couple of weeks too. I’m planning to see my friend and her little boy (who is not so little anymore!) on Thursday so that’s what I’m aiming for firstly. Then starting yoga again after the school holidays- it’s been quite a while, I look forward to getting back on the mat.
Calvin is being extra cute lately! He understands so much and knows when I’m not well. The other day he was sitting near Dad and Dad says, “go and give Dom a cuddle”, and he gets up, walks over to me, looks at me, and jumps up. It was so amazing.