So I was asked to update on my situation and I realize it has been quite awhile. Things have been hard.
It was a the anniversary of a year without mum on the 5th. Dad and I just took some me time and he was well enough to go out so we went to a movie- The Public- which was quite powerful. We lit some candles at church too. I really hope she is in a better place, I really do. My grief hasn’t felt real because I just feel so numb about it all, and if you’re not crying you’re not sad, right? Totally wrong.
A couple of weeks before that I had my hair done. The last time I had it done was with Mum before my brother and sister in laws first wedding. Over a year! I’m sure my hairdresser thought I’d gone elsewhere. I kept the length because I like it longer. It’s hard to look after atm because I’ve got low zinc and hair loss is related to that but it’s worth it. I just can’t believe it had been a year- a year that has been both in slow motion but has gone so fast, all at once.
I have been sticking it out with the ketamine therapy I’m doing, still finding the right dose. I think we found my limit because recently it has been difficult to take it because of some not so nice side effects and I actually halved the dose I took on my own initiation (from eight hundred to four hundred) because I was just so scared about what was going to happen. I’d be sleepwalking and when I couldn’t settle I’d just wander the house and find myself sometimes sitting in the bathroom or the kitchen and the last time I took it my brother and sister in law had to put me to bed, and time was passing so slowly, I’d look at the time and after feeling like forever had passed only to look again and it had only been like, 20mins later. And just as I sort of get out of the hangover period, it’s the day to take it again (every second day). I’m quite thankful that I only remember bits and pieces of everything because it’s scary and a really long night and it’s hard on everyone. But speaking to the doctor yesterday he was for me trying maybe six hundred or seven hundred again. Not quite up to the eight hundred but more than the four hundred. And to use the break I get for a few hours to do good things and reminisce about what having the break actually means. And to use lorazepam differently, not all the time taking it because I’m finding things really difficult but sometimes when I don’t think I really need it is actually the right time and it can do it’s job better.
I’ve started looking at horseriding again. Dad and I bought new boots, jodhpurs, a helmet, gloves, and a shirt. The whole outfit is ready to go and I’m really excited about starting this chapter of my life again.
Last time I rode, I took a fall and fractured a few things, my sacral ala and acetabulum, and mum only found out when I was walking funny at home, and the sports physician I went to see when told I had PTSD went “what, from falling off a horse?” And he had me hopping on one leg and was convinced I was fine until he got the scans back when he rang us straight away, telling us straight up that usually his patients are in hospital on morphine with fractures like this, and would we at least get a wheelchair. It was just going to be a get better over time situation so we said no thanks but he was able to see he was wrong so that’s good. So yeah I couldn’t ride for awhile and then when I could I just didn’t. So back on the horse I get with it all. It’s time.
Also with the ketamine I have found that window I get a break from my mind is good for my eating. I can think, yeah usually I’ll get a break from the thoughts tonight, the guilt. It does come back but it’s given me the space needed to eat. And on the subject of good things for your body and mind I’ve recently been patronizing Sister cafe in Hawthorne for my fave juice, Green Shake which I have to say changed my opinion on green juices. I absolutely love them.
I had my mental health review tribunal last week, and despite my prepared statement about how the short, preplanned admission situation only made things worse and that I was trying to take more time in being in charge of my care and had just finished the referral stage (which was terrifying and challenging but necessary) and when they heard that I was on a Treatment Authority they haven’t contacted us again. So I needed the TA to be lifted so I could get a good, helpful admission after years of being in the public system for quick fix (or longer admissions), basically all they do atm is keep me safe and refeed me. Then let me go without any attempt to help me, which is why I was open to the idea of a hospital admission to Robina actually benefitting me. But no, they decided against it. I’ve spent years on this treatment authority- at least five because my case manager said I was on it when she started seeing me- and all the pain it’s caused me, is substantial.
I also hope to get back into yoga once I’m up and going again, and trying to find time to spend with friends which has just taken a break with everything else that’s been going on. Time to get back on to the mat too!
Calvin, our doggo who we adore has been extra cute this week and even spent most of the day before yesterday on my bed with me. That’s when he knows he’s done something right, when he gets to be up on my bed haha
My godson is 5 and a half months old and I call him Little Dom and I’m devastated that I haven’t gotten to meet him yet, but recently he had his favourite stuffed puppy, “Puppy”, sent to me so we could even have more of a connection. He’s so cute and growing SO fast, it’s unbelievable. Big shoutout to Shaun and Carly because it can’t be easy all the time and they’re killing this baby thing. So proud of them. I’ll get down there once this ketamine is sorted out and Dad is well enough, we’d be there in a flash.