Things have been pretty much going downhill for awhile now but I can see that (when it’s usually difficult for me to see) and I want to change the course of things (if not for me but my family and friends.)

The week before last I spent on a medical ward due to eating disorder complications. It was horrid, again being on 1:1 and having no privacy meant a pretty shitty week. But it was finally decided that I could go home without the usual psych admission that follows so I felt very blessed to be back at home with my family.

Last week I was pretty low though, and even though I don’t really remember doing it, I used slight of hand to get my hands on some medication while Dad and I were in the lockbox getting some other prn, and took it all- a fair amount- like a few weeks worth- of ketamine. I didn’t tell anyone but of course my family noticed the next morning and although we had decided to sit it out and just give me time, I started convulsing and was deathly cold so my Dad ended up having to call an ambulance. All they could really do with the drug I took was monitor me so after about 15hrs in emergency my case manager gave us the okay to head home. But not long after that I started having really bad epigastric pain and once again went to the hospital but my obs and bloods were normal so they sent us home with pain meds (this is when I hate my high pain threshold, “you don’t look to be in much pain” etc) and instructions to get bloods again and an ultrasound through my gp. We decided it would be better to have things happening under one roof so went to a private hospital and got checked out and it was decided that the drug had just inflamed things on the way through, so more pain meds and repeat bloods tomorrow.

Overall after that experience I feel disappointed in myself, upset that I let it happen again after going quite awhile without an attempt, and completely and utterly sorry for hurting my family.

That’s why I want things to change, I want to get better, I don’t want to feel suicidal all the time, especially after eating. Today I managed a tall almond iced latte from my fave coffee shop (a first for quite awhile- but I have a play date with my friend and her little nearly two year old on Wednesday and we are going to go for a walk to get a coffee and I want to be able to have almond milk then, so that’s basically why I challenged myself today) and some steamed veggies so after so long going without I’m really proud of myself for managing that, although my mind is not coping at all with it- but updating here is a bit of a distraction so yeah.

I looked after my fave doggo Calvin last night while my brother and sister in law were out which was lovely and he didn’t throw up on my bed like the week before so I’m very happy with how things went, he’s a good boy.

I’m really upset at the moment with how I’m neglecting my friends and how long it’s been since I’ve seen them. I just don’t feel up to going out, and besides, every second night is a ketamine night. But I have some friends with shows at the Sit Down coming up so I hope to catch up with some people then.

I also haven’t met my six month old godson yet, and boy does that kill me. But I’m not up to travelling at the moment (I can’t make it around the city I live in, how could I manage going interstate?) and my Dad isn’t well enough to take me either so yeah, what can we do? Dad is in the midst of organizing an insulin pump for himself though, so hopefully that will improve his quality of life and we can do more things with the people we love. ❤

There is not a day going by that I don’t miss my mum. She was my rock, my everything and she would know what to do right now. I miss her smile, her laugh, and her honesty and confidence to get through anything together. Maman, I love you and miss you deeply. I’m sorry for putting my family through shit and I promise to try and better myself.