I thought that I should do a short update because it’s been a little while. Things are happening that are out of my control, and that’s scary. But it’s not permanent.
First off, to go into what I’m going to go into you need to know where it came from. We nearly had an accident in the carpark after a doctors appointment a few weeks ago. Neither car had any damage but the man in the other car was very angry and yelling and swearing and wanting a confrontation. Dad was trying to protect me though, and we got out of there as quickly as we could. Still, it was very triggering.
Since then, though, I have been in a state of heightened arousal- a constant 24/7 flight or fight type of deal- my case manager is being extra present and wants to see me alot at the moment because she says I need it, and she is helping us deal with this. She says it won’t last forever and we just need to rewire my brain again. But it’s made it difficult to drive anywhere, accept meds, have my feeds. I do simple things like clothes washing and folding to showering with great difficulty- but I am managing. And I’ve managed to stay at home thus far. It’s like I’m constantly dissociated though, in a fog. And I can’t seem to shake it.
This is further affecting the time it’s been since I’ve seen my friends, and it’s torturous for me, but you know who you are and that I love you and I hope to be back on top of things soon! I’ve had a couple of friends headlining at the Sit Down Comedy Club and I couldn’t even get in to see them. I’m just missing out on so much at the moment. I used to be there weekly at one point, discovering new people and seeing old favourites.
Further torture is the fact that it’s coming up to 8months and I haven’t been down to see my godson yet- YET. I plan on getting well and travelling but it’s not to be right now. He knows how much I love him and his parents. He’s growing so fast it’s unbelievable. I absolutely love the photos I’m getting.
I did a couple of things this week that put a smile on my face, I met with family I haven’t seen for years- a prospect that was scary for me but turned out to be a lovely afternoon. Also I had a pretty spur of the moment playdate at a park with a couple of friends and one of their sons who is 2 and totally a little mischief maker. It was a great couple of hours and I’m forever grateful for a chance to play and try to break the current routine!
I’m still taking my ketamine every second day, we’re back down to half what I was once taking and it seems to be a happy medium. I’m not getting any of the scary side affects I was. It’s going well, though it knocks me around a bit, I only take it every second night and I honestly think it is helping.
One of my doctors had organized for me to start art therapy on a Saturday, then the incident happened and we decided to put it off a little while until I get my head back together. I’m very interested though and I think Mum would like that I’m hoping to do it. She would also like that I’m starting to think about how I can get yoga back into my life.
Calvin has been with me alot lately. He’s such a character. He knows when I need him. MY brother and sister in law went to Melbourne to see The Cursed Child for her birthday (which I recently reread and loved) and he was such a good boy. And today with my case manager over he was so quiet and just sat on my lap the whole time. I leave you with a photo of him:
That’s it, that’s all I can write at the moment. I’m sure I left out something important, as I do, but there’s always another time.