DO NOT give up on life throwing you around. Ignore the bad thoughts you have to spend an insane amount of time on… grab on to what you need. You have to fight, to say no. Also comparison, it only sets fuel to the fire of self hate which gets you nowhere. Love each memory: each smile, each laugh, each sparkle. Don’t forget to grab some this time for you, because you will need relaxation and reflection time, just for you. Read More
Last week has been a rollercoaster ride for everyone. And a couple of ambulance ones for me. I’ve dissociated the last Thursday and Friday nights. As if coming “free” of these times of dissociation and feeling totally out of it wasn’t enough, it’s working out my last steps for clues about what’s happened.
TW for the next little while… Read More
I can’t get over this week. It’s been one hell of a week, and I’ve only been out of hospital 10 days. It’s been crazy busy. And so very exhausting, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, being at home is just wonderful (I wouldn’t mind changing the frequency of my dissociations, or the constant barrage of the voice, or the fact that I have to take my meds and feeds because that was a dependent factor of my discharge. It sucks, because doing both these things distress me so.)
Yesterday, after 51 days, I was once again discharged from hospital- even though everyone was resigned to the fact I’m not at all ready for it (my mood hits the lowest lows these days and I’m still struggling with my eating disorder) they still all agreed I needed to be at home the present moment.
Today is week 3, day 3 of this admission and this time I haven’t stepped foot out of the hospital doors. It’s even looking like it may be a little while more before that happens. I’m not “medically stable” enough, the treatment team are saying, even if I was mentally okay (which if I’m honest with myself, I’m not.) Because, if you can believe it, they are talking chronic starvation. Read More
I started yoga again today, when I really needed it (and because my instructor texted me JUST the right thing at JUST the right time. It was uncanny.) and my instructor says this (the title of this entry) as part of his end blurb and every time, I think, I MUST REMEMBER THIS but I never seem to be actually able to do it. Especially now, when my future looks just as bleak as my past. I don’t want anything to do with either. But, it was so good to be back on the mat, and Anand liked my new shirt that I wore haha
Well, I’m down to three ECT left. I should be done by early next week. Yesterday I had a day off because it was Mums oncology clinic appointment and I went with her to support. TBH I’m glad I had a day off because I’m starting to get scared doing it and this time round, I’m also having a lot more memory problems. It’s really difficult and I just really don’t want to complete the course.