Goals; don’t let go.

DO NOT give up on life throwing you around. Ignore the bad thoughts you have to spend an insane amount of time on… grab on to what you need. You have to fight, to say no. Also comparison, it only sets fuel to the fire of self hate which gets you nowhere. Love each memory: each smile, each laugh, each sparkle. Don’t forget to grab some this time for you, because you will need  relaxation and reflection time, just for you. Read More

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To do: live in the moment

I can’t get over this week. It’s been one hell of a week, and I’ve only been out of hospital 10 days. It’s been crazy busy. And so very exhausting, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, being at home is just wonderful (I wouldn’t mind changing the frequency of my dissociations, or the constant barrage of the voice, or the fact that I have to take my meds and feeds because that was a dependent factor of my discharge. It sucks, because doing both these things distress me so.)

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A bonsai called David

Yesterday, after 51 days, I was once again discharged from hospital- even though everyone was resigned to the fact I’m not at all ready for it (my mood hits the lowest lows these days and I’m still struggling with my eating disorder) they still all agreed I needed to be at home the present moment.

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Caffeine, for goodness sake…

I lost my raindrop ring on a night out at the Sit Down so I’ve finally replaced it, when I bought Mum a maman ring for her birthday. I really appreciate wearing the raindrop ring because like as it says on the description, it represents hope, beginnings and renewal… a reminder of the beauty and natural cycle of life.

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Nearly finished

Well, I’m down to three ECT left. I should be done by early next week. Yesterday I had a day off because it was Mums oncology clinic appointment and I went with her to support. TBH I’m glad I had a day off because I’m starting to get scared doing it and this time round, I’m also having a lot more memory problems. It’s really difficult and I just really don’t want to complete the course.

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If you don’t love me in my relapse, you don’t deserve me after my recovery.

I’ve done it! I’m officially halfway through my treatment (the doctor who was on this morning was telling me) and we’ve managed, with the help of the hospital, to do it as an outpatient. And Mum hasn’t been too well lately, so I’ve been really, really appreciative of being able to just leave recovery after treatments three times a week, and come home with her! It’s so much better than trying to arrange leave from inpatient- what with all the restrictions they put on me (and I usually end up going backwards when I try to manage in hospital).

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