A bonsai called David

Yesterday, after 51 days, I was once again discharged from hospital- even though everyone was resigned to the fact I’m not at all ready for it (my mood hits the lowest lows these days and I’m still struggling with my eating disorder) they still all agreed I needed to be at home the present moment.

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Eating Disorders Inc

Today is week 3, day 3 of this admission and this time I haven’t stepped foot out of the hospital doors. It’s even looking like it may be a little while more before that happens. I’m not “medically stable” enough, the treatment team are saying, even if I was mentally okay (which if I’m honest with myself, I’m not.) Because, if you can believe it, they are talking chronic starvation. Read More

Let go of the past, look towards the future.

I started yoga again today, when I really needed it (and because my instructor texted me JUST the right thing at JUST the right time. It was uncanny.) and my instructor says this (the title of this entry) as part of his end blurb and every time, I think, I MUST REMEMBER THIS but I never seem to be actually able to do it. Especially now, when my future looks just as bleak as my past. I don’t want anything to do with either. But, it was so good to be back on the mat, and Anand liked my new shirt that I wore haha

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Nearly finished

Well, I’m down to three ECT left. I should be done by early next week. Yesterday I had a day off because it was Mums oncology clinic appointment and I went with her to support. TBH I’m glad I had a day off because I’m starting to get scared doing it and this time round, I’m also having a lot more memory problems. It’s really difficult and I just really don’t want to complete the course.

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Life: tragic, or a little bit magic?

This question has been going around and around my head for a few weeks now. I’ve been in a constant state of trying to decide is life really is magic, or if it’s simply tragic. If I had to choose one of these two words to describe life, which would I choose? It’s a hard question for me, as by default I would go for tragic, but then there are little moments that are without a doubt more on the side of magic. These past couple of weeks have been a perfect example of my conundrum.

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But first, coffee… no, I mean recovery.

Things aren’t going too well. I’m still struggling so much. I don’t know what to do. As I established last post, there’s not much i can do except try my hardest to continue with the plans we’d put into place already. I’ve been really, really big on distraction the last couple of days. There are a few things I am doing to keep my mind busy.

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something else.

As I sit here (watching Jane the Virgin and scrolling listlessly through my tumblr dash) I’m trying to think what else I can do to bring me out of this lapse. What else? I’ve already done so much, but there must be something else that I can do, right? There’s always something else. There’s got to be something else. Maybe I should visit what I’ve already done and go from there. Read More