Eating Disorders Inc

Today is week 3, day 3 of this admission and this time I haven’t stepped foot out of the hospital doors. It’s even looking like it may be a little while more before that happens. I’m not “medically stable” enough, the treatment team are saying, even if I was mentally okay (which if I’m honest with myself, I’m not.) Because, if you can believe it, they are talking chronic starvation. Read More

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Let go of the past, look towards the future.

I started yoga again today, when I really needed it (and because my instructor texted me JUST the right thing at JUST the right time. It was uncanny.) and my instructor says this (the title of this entry) as part of his end blurb and every time, I think, I MUST REMEMBER THIS but I never seem to be actually able to do it. Especially now, when my future looks just as bleak as my past. I don’t want anything to do with either. But, it was so good to be back on the mat, and Anand liked my new shirt that I wore haha

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Caffeine, for goodness sake…

I lost my raindrop ring on a night out at the Sit Down so I’ve finally replaced it, when I bought Mum a maman ring for her birthday. I really appreciate wearing the raindrop ring because like as it says on the description, it represents hope, beginnings and renewal… a reminder of the beauty and natural cycle of life.

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quotable.

“Trauma really does confront you with the best and the worst. You see the horrendous things that people do to each other, but you also see resiliency, the power of love, the power of caring, the power of commitment, the power of commitment to oneself, the knowledge that there are things that are larger than our individual survival. And in some ways, I don’t think you can appreciate the glory of life unless you also know the dark side of life.”

Bessel van der Kolk, 2017

Nearly finished

Well, I’m down to three ECT left. I should be done by early next week. Yesterday I had a day off because it was Mums oncology clinic appointment and I went with her to support. TBH I’m glad I had a day off because I’m starting to get scared doing it and this time round, I’m also having a lot more memory problems. It’s really difficult and I just really don’t want to complete the course.

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If you don’t love me in my relapse, you don’t deserve me after my recovery.

I’ve done it! I’m officially halfway through my treatment (the doctor who was on this morning was telling me) and we’ve managed, with the help of the hospital, to do it as an outpatient. And Mum hasn’t been too well lately, so I’ve been really, really appreciative of being able to just leave recovery after treatments three times a week, and come home with her! It’s so much better than trying to arrange leave from inpatient- what with all the restrictions they put on me (and I usually end up going backwards when I try to manage in hospital).

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