Things have been pretty much going downhill for awhile now but I can see that (when it’s usually difficult for me to see) and I want to change the course of things (if not for me but my family and friends.)
I can’t get over this week. It’s been one hell of a week, and I’ve only been out of hospital 10 days. It’s been crazy busy. And so very exhausting, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, being at home is just wonderful (I wouldn’t mind changing the frequency of my dissociations, or the constant barrage of the voice, or the fact that I have to take my meds and feeds because that was a dependent factor of my discharge. It sucks, because doing both these things distress me so.)
Yesterday, after 51 days, I was once again discharged from hospital- even though everyone was resigned to the fact I’m not at all ready for it (my mood hits the lowest lows these days and I’m still struggling with my eating disorder) they still all agreed I needed to be at home the present moment.
Patient #1: I’M PERFECTLY STABLE YOU KNOW!
Nurse: I know you’re perfect, but I don’t know about stable…
Well, I’m down to three ECT left. I should be done by early next week. Yesterday I had a day off because it was Mums oncology clinic appointment and I went with her to support. TBH I’m glad I had a day off because I’m starting to get scared doing it and this time round, I’m also having a lot more memory problems. It’s really difficult and I just really don’t want to complete the course.
I’ve done it! I’m officially halfway through my treatment (the doctor who was on this morning was telling me) and we’ve managed, with the help of the hospital, to do it as an outpatient. And Mum hasn’t been too well lately, so I’ve been really, really appreciative of being able to just leave recovery after treatments three times a week, and come home with her! It’s so much better than trying to arrange leave from inpatient- what with all the restrictions they put on me (and I usually end up going backwards when I try to manage in hospital).
As I sit here (watching Jane the Virgin and scrolling listlessly through my tumblr dash) I’m trying to think what else I can do to bring me out of this lapse. What else? I’ve already done so much, but there must be something else that I can do, right? There’s always something else. There’s got to be something else. Maybe I should visit what I’ve already done and go from there. Read More