Nearly finished

Well, I’m down to three ECT left. I should be done by early next week. Yesterday I had a day off because it was Mums oncology clinic appointment and I went with her to support. TBH I’m glad I had a day off because I’m starting to get scared doing it and this time round, I’m also having a lot more memory problems. It’s really difficult and I just really don’t want to complete the course.

(An excerpt from the latest Breathe Magazine Australia)

I’ve been feeling increasingly suicidal of late, especially when I do what my dietitian asks and attempt something small to eat. Seriously, most of my days are spent trying not to run away, trying not to overdose, trying not to cut deeper than I ever have before. But although I don’t want to die while mum is sick- I just don’t see a way around it. It takes up too much of my time and my thoughts.

Mum and I have been thinking maybe a stint in Pine Rivers will be good for me after we finish the last of the ECT. That will mean no nutrition for a while, because they don’t support feeds, which isn’t good, it’s really alright, for a while. I could go for so long without nutrition, I’m just kind of conditioned to believe that I need my feeds to keep me getting through each day. But just getting through the day with my thoughts, and the voice wanting me to sabotage myself- ugh. Today I have an appt with my community pdoc and I’m going to try and be as honest as possible.

We saw my cousins little boy Levi on Friday after ECT which was so much fun. He’s just turned two and is growing up so so fast. He was having an awesome time on his trampoline with his uncle Dan. It was such a joy to watch. Going back over to the peninsula brings up all sorts of bad feelings for me so I am lucky I have my family to distract me from intrusive memories etc and after each visit I am mighty proud of myself for going.

Brad and Amy are finally engaged! They just got back from a week in Japan and while they were at Nara Deer Park, Brad got down on one knee and Amy said YES! It’s meant to have been videotaped but the video guy hasn’t finished editing it yet. I cannot wait to see it!

Speaking of family, how cute were my parents when they were young? I love seeing old photos of them! This one especially:

I’m hoping on heading to the sit down club towards the end of next week, meeting my friend Pete on Saturday maybe. Joel Ozborn is on and in all honesty I’d love to go. I’ve just got to work out how my treatment is going to be, well, treating me and go from there. Fingers crossed everybody!

This past week I went to a screening of Wes Anderson’s new movie Isle of Dogs, I was invited by my friend Erik who I hadn’t seen in SO long, and I also took my best mates Mike and Andy. It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening.

It’s nearly Mums birthday! I’m so excited to make it extra special for her. I hope my main gift arrives in time! I have a back up gift but I’d really love to give her the main gift on her birthday! I’m not sure what we’re doing especially for the occasion but hopefully it’s something special that she will enjoy.

I’m also feeling incredibly sick and I don’t know exactly what’s causing it. I’ve been having my feeds, taking my meds, practicing yoga, taking my supplements, trying to get enough sleep each night, and yet I’m still struggling. The bags under my eyes are a testament to my struggles. Ugh, life.

This week I’m starting back at yoga, and also spending a little time one on one with Anand, my yoga teacher and mentor. I’m not sure exactly what we’ll be doing yet but I’m looking forward to it nonetheless.

Calvin has been so good. He hasn’t been allowed out the back- what with the deck being built etc and I bet he cannot wait to have grass to run around on again etc. He senses when Mum and I are sick and comes and sits with us, it is so very adorable. For someone who could have done without a dog in her life, I sure do adore this one!

Just thought I’d add this accurate representation of me every time I go out! Because it’s so true it makes me laugh 😂


If you don’t love me in my relapse, you don’t deserve me in my recovery.

I’ve done it! I’m officially halfway through my treatment (the doctor who was on this morning was telling me) and we’ve managed, with the help of the hospital, to do it as an outpatient. And Mum hasn’t been too well lately, so I’ve been really, really appreciative of being able to just leave recovery after treatments three times a week, and come home with her! It’s so much better than trying to arrange leave from inpatient- what with all the restrictions they put on me (and I usually end up going backwards when I try to manage in hospital).

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Today was really hard. The next few weeks are going to be really, really hard. But I got through today, when I thought I wouldn’t, and that gives me the strength to get through tomorrow.

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But first, coffee… no, I mean recovery.

Things aren’t going too well. I’m still struggling so much. I don’t know what to do. As I established last post, there’s not much i can do except try my hardest to continue with the plans we’d put into place already. I’ve been really, really big on distraction the last couple of days. There are a few things I am doing to keep my mind busy.

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something else.

As I sit here (watching Jane the Virgin and scrolling listlessly through my tumblr dash) I’m trying to think what else I can do to bring me out of this lapse. What else? I’ve already done so much, but there must be something else that I can do, right? There’s always something else. There’s got to be something else. Maybe I should visit what I’ve already done and go from there. Read More

Here’s to \ensure\ you’re as stressed as you can be.

I’m going to tell you something really exciting. Ready? The Brisbane Comedy Festival is coming to the Powerhouse for another year (and I haven’t been well enough to go since 2015!), and the Sit Down Comedy Fringe Festival is debuting for the first time. I’m excited about both. So excited about the Powerhouse, that I’ve fit three shows into two nights and I’m going to stay in an apartment in the city to make things easier. Each night I’m going with a different couple of friends, and one of them I haven’t seen for years, so we’re having a catch up and it’s going to be great. What better to do together than take in a little live standup?

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Front, back… leave?

Yesterday I got to yoga about 20 minutes early, and there was no-one there yet. The studio was open and I got to the door, and I just stopped. Was this a test? It felt like it. Was there a meaning to where I decided to lay my mat, when I could have any position in the room? Would other people think anything of where I chose when they arrived? I would, and my mind was spinning. Where should I choose to spend the class? …

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